The time is 19:02, Tuesday April 25th, 2017. My event occurred on April 8th; so while it seems like it happened just yesterday, the piece that moves me so much is the knowledge that there are so many others out there that have had this for years. If you are one of these people who have had T/H for a very long time, I guess I can say this with some truth – I SEE YOU. I had read about tinnitus over the years, and I never truly understood what it was; thats clear now.
So its the end of the day, and I have two lively beautiful daughters aged 9 and 11. They are currently practicing their dancing to some sort of hip hop and gangsta music. An avid music lover myself, I can normally enjoy the precious moments with my daughters, even listening to this “music”. Tonight it requires a more deliberate practice to be present, to watch my little ones show their daddy what they have learnt. Every beat, every word is like a sword being driving deeper into my left ear, but I managed to hold strong, smile and even join in.
I would be lying if I attempted to imply some deeper knowledge of this condition and the cures. I have nothing at this point, but a very strong will and commitment to keep moving forward. I also realize that, for those longer sufferers, these words might be cheap, and that time will tell whether or not I break. I respect that too. I respect to the point of being so deeply moved by some of the stories I have read over the past few days, mainly of people suffering rather than not. I did what I am sure many do – Google my way into the very hell of the internet, and then find myself lost and alone in a very dark place.
Yesterday I hit my lowest with respect to depression. If 0 is no depression at all and 10 is absolute depression, I was an 8 and 9 for sure. I had an emotional breakdown in the afternoon, and ironically the pain as the H intensified so much it guided me out of the despair….and I chose the words carefully.
There is a lot I dont know, but that is just a matter of time. My real journey began this morning when I awoke to a new day, with a new perspective, realizing that I have a choice – I can choose to be a sufferer, or I can choose to find a way to make this bigger than me, to give me the will and courage to help others. This is now my mission. I have no idea what it will look like, and I have a lot of questions.
Most Pressing Question – Habituation
I went onto http://www.tinnitustalk.com/ and came across Dr Hubbard, a real lighthouse shining brightly in through the darkness (https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/dr-bruce-hubbard.4559/).
I am not a psychologist (though I did begin studying Jungian Psychotherapy in the UK at one time, not that that matters), nor a medical doctor of any sort. I have been an avid follower of elements of psychology that allow one to achieve peak performance. So I know Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), I also know a lot of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and how it works. I have a good knowledge of many other aspects of the body and mind, even if I am not certified. I have studied Tibetan Buddhism (Mayahana), and practiced sitting for many years, though recent years I let my practice slip.
After reading about Dr Hubbard and CBT (and also about the Tinnitus Retraining Therapy = http://tinnitus.org/trt-excercises/), the idea of Habituation resonates deeply with me. The notion of a stimuli (no matter its source) being manifest in my experience is just one part of a processional set of causes that result in a final, felt experience. The meaning this sound has, or the thoughts I allow to go uncontrolled with respect to this sound, are in the end the ultimate source of my feelings.
If I recall a negative memory, it comes with all sorts of mental constructs, and from the memory (thought) I get an experience. This T and H feels a little different to what would be canonical experience, mainly because it actually hurts in the head. So I realize my first task is to apprehend this piece deeply, and at the times when I am overwhelmed, remembering this simple statement – its the meaning I give it that dictates how I feel. This has worked well in many other areas of my life, and I actually had a good day today applying this very simple principle of thought.
So the purpose of this blog is to share my own story and findings. Again, I fully appreciate the fact people are suffering from T and H as I write, and that is why I write. I do not wish to offend or minimize any ones suffering by anything that I say, and I hope that that comes across in my writing. If I say something like “its the meaning I give it that dictates how I feel” thats really to me. If that helps someone reading this then that means a lot to me.
Tinnitus 